Sometimes, being with us feels like we’re driving full speed toward a wall, yet neither of us takes their foot off the gas. We see the crash coming, we can already feel the cracks spreading through everything, and still we keep going, as if love alone were enough to withstand all the chaos.

I have promised you so many times that I would change. Perhaps too many times. Empty words, spoken somewhere between guilt and the fear of losing you. And every single time, you picked up the pieces of my heart again, even though you already knew that some people don’t learn how to love better overnight.

I know how many nights I left you alone. Not just physically. Perhaps even worse was the fact that I was miles away emotionally, even when I was lying right beside you. You tried to understand me while I couldn’t even find the words to explain myself.

There was never anything halfway about us. We could love each other as if there were nothing more beautiful in this world. But we could destroy each other just as fiercely. Words became weapons. Silence became punishment. And sometimes I said things solely to hurt you, even though I knew exactly how deeply they would wound you.

The worst part is that I often watched myself doing it. In those very moments, I knew you didn’t deserve any of it. And yet, I couldn’t swallow my pride. Overcoming your own demons sounds easy until you realize how heavy a person can become when they’ve spent too long fighting themselves.

Perhaps I was always afraid that one day we would reach a point where we became strangers to each other. That we would forget how much we once needed one another. Because no matter how loud our arguments became, there was always something real underneath it all. Something that remained even when we could barely stand each other.

Sometimes I told you that I hated you, just so you would feel the same pain I was feeling. But it was never hatred. It was being overwhelmed, fear, anger directed at myself. But in the middle of an argument, people rarely know how to distinguish between the truth and the things they say to hurt each other.

And every time I saw your tears, I felt as though I was seeing myself reflected in them. That quiet breaking in your eyes after I had gone too far once again.

Then I would walk through empty streets at night, as if the darkness could somehow calm me down. But no matter how far I went, every thought eventually led me back to you. And when I finally came home, you were still awake. Perhaps out of worry. Perhaps out of hope. Perhaps simply because love is sometimes stronger than reason.

Deep down, you were always the light in all that chaos. The one person who made me feel as though I wasn’t completely lost. And that is exactly why I was so afraid of truly losing you one day.

Because the truth is, whenever I said I was going to leave, all I really wanted was to hear you tell me to stay. To feel you hold on to me.

No one has ever been closer to me than you. And perhaps that is exactly why I made so many mistakes. Closeness makes us vulnerable. And vulnerable people sometimes lash out, even though all they really want is to be held.

Despite everything, you stayed. Time and time again.

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